THIS IS THE FIRST SONG FROM OUR NEW ALBUM

That’s right. My first post in a long, long time, and it’s titled after a Beastie Boys quote. Which should be okay with you because it’s okay with me, and it’s my blog, so I can do what I want, which includes writing ridiculously long run-on sentences that describe not only the title of the post but also my not-caring about the fact that you might take issue with it. WHEW! Try saying that without breathing. It’s alright. I’ll wait.

Still waiting.

Still waiting.

Okay, not waiting anymore.

Just kidding. I’ll wait a few more seconds.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Those previous lines were just some weird, random stall tactic, right?” To which I say, “Yes. That’s exactly what that was. It’s not like I was expecting to be writing this right now, but since I just attached my iPad to this new-fangled keyboard thingie, and that’s officially what I’ve been waiting for in order to start writing these posts again, it would make sense that writing a new post, however mediocre and/or weird/off-the-wall, would be one of the first things on the list of things to write. Plus, it’s important to write something random while I’m getting used to this new writing implement so as not to disappoint you – or myself – with a 20 minute post that I can’t even properly see. Of course, I’m also cooking a pizza, so this is a bit of a placeholder for that wait, as well.

Welcome back to my brain. It’s still as screwy as ever, except now I can start leaking this shit back into the blogosphere and pretend like I wasn’t doing everyone and everything in the known human universe a favor by not writing these ridiculous brain droppings down to share with anyone who might stumble by.

Good on you if you’re still here. And good on me for failing to chase you away. Let’s have some fun, shall we?

Job Loss

What does it mean that I’ve been missing days with the 20 Minute Blogs project? Nothing, really. I mean, I’ve been busy, certainly. I mentioned that I’m working two different driving jobs, and that absolutely has a lot to do with it. It’s not that I’m not interested or don’t have anything to say, though. It’s just that when I leave the house for work at 3:45pm and don’t get home until 6am, it’s kind of hard to get in the writing that I desire to do. And, of course, I don’t always want to be limited to saying everything in that 20 minute window of time.

Take today, for instance. This is a Brain Dropping. I’m just saying a few things, much like with the other posts, but I don’t have a timer set. I don’t want to feel rushed. I only got about 6 hours of sleep, so I woke up feeling groggy and dull. I’ve since had two cups of coffee, but that’s one shy of average. I have about 30 minutes before I absolutely MUST get ready to leave the house, and I have at least one semi-flat tire that needs to be taken care of before I feel comfortable putting another 85 or so miles of distance on it.

Is the tire actually damaged, or does it just need air? It’s the back right, so it’s my “curb tire.” You know, the tire that always hits the curb when you take a turn too tight? Because you take turns at 35mph instead of the more pedestrian 15? Because you have to be in four different places in the next 45 minutes? Oh? You’re not familiar with that? Well, that’s what MY time is like. Always moving unless I don’t want to get paid. The life of a driver. Paid by the mile.

This has been a bit of a golden month for me. I mean, things haven’t been great, but I have managed to double my bank account. Not that it means all that much because I owe more than the value of everything I own to the bank. And the rest of it goes to the government. Some day, I’ll write out what goes into my daily process, but I don’t have time for that right now. I just do it, but none of it is done by rote. I have to update my spreadsheet and calculate my starting daily wages and log my miles, but I’m limited by the fact that I park in an underground garage that has little to no phone reception, and…aw, hell. Listen at me. All yammering’. I said I wasn’t gonna talk about it, but that’s what I did. Suffice to say, with everything I have to do in the 4 minutes before I hit the road for the day, it’s a wonder I don’t make more mistakes.

Speaking of mistakes, I may have made a mistake by letting this be a brain dropping. Not really, though. That was just something to say. I know I said I wanted to do a 20 Minute every day, but I’ve missed several. The idea has really just been to get as much new content uploaded as possible. Since I don’t have real topics that work in a 20-minute setting, this is still just bullshit. And while I’m trying not to curse too much, it’s more fun to say bullshit than malarky. And, less people are familiar with the latter term.

How does this relate to job loss? It doesn’t. Not really. It’s just that, each one of these posts that I write and publish can be considered a job. Like, I work for this blog, but if I’m going to get paid, I have to do jobs because this is freelance, and that’s how freelance works. Each post is a job in the same way that each post would be a project that I might do for a company if there was such a company that might actually be interested in hiring me and paying me a living wage and giving me benefits and not scaring the crap out of me because I’ve been hurt before, and I’m fragile. Emotionally. That’s not hard to admit, though.

While I was driving trucks, I realized that the only emotion I had left was Rage, and the only feeling I had that could penetrate the numbness was Anger. That gentle haze has receded some, and it’s good. I feel more, and that’s also good. Even when the feelings hurt, I’d rather feel them than not have the ability. Therein lies the assumption that I’m broken. And while I am broken, it’s more in the way that a plant might be broken. Yes, it’s been stripped of leaves and branches and is essentially just a stump with some roots, but those roots are still sucking noots from worm poots. It’s still alive. It’s just waiting for something to change. It’s waiting for a new chance to grow.

I’ve been fighting the bottom for a very long time now. Every time I seem to be climbing back to what I perceive to be my station, someone pulls the foundation out from under my building. And a building can’t stand without a foundation. Always looking for a rock that won’t erode, I’m still trying to build everything at the same time. It’s hard to live in a tent forever. It’s even harder to follow all of my metaphors. And my metaphives.

I have discovered — through self-reflection and an analysis of everything I’m currently doing — a path that can lead me to something more. It can take all of my skills — or at least most of them — and turn them into something worth doing. Something that could possibly actually make me a decent living without having to conform to the societal norms of appearance and behavior that I have always seemed to struggle against. It’s nigh impossible to be yourself when someone is constantly telling you all the ways that your self is wrong, and that’s why I’ve had freelance and self-employment thrust upon me. That, and I lack a path. Or, have lacked a path. But, I believe I’ve found it. Or something that looks like it. Let’s see if I still retain the skills to walk that path.

It’s not going to be at all easy, not like writing. Not like putting my thoughts together in a semi-coherent ramble of cognizance and verisimilitude. That’s easy, though most people consider it beyond their skill level. It’s easier for me to write than it is to remember to trim my beard, and I have customers that see me on a daily basis! I resemble some kind of erudite hobo dressed as a snarky eight-year-old and talking like a demolition truck sailor who’s trying to rein in his awful tongue. But what do I worry about? A moustache that walruses over my teeth and some awful stray hairs on my neck. At least I shower and use deodorant and brush my teeth every day. Things could be worse than growing and showing a few errant follicular outcroppings.

There’s not really any way to sum this all up because I’ve just been meandering down this mind road, but if I don’t get on the move pretty soon, I’ll suffer more than job loss. Or rather, that’s all I’ll suffer because that’s all I do. One job after another like a man who’s lost. But, I’ll find myself again. I am finding myself again. And I’m finding that the myself that I see is a little bit better than the me he used to be.

Overwork

I was initially going to call this “Momentum,” but since it takes momentum to cause one to overwork, it’s practically the same thing. It’s something I struggle with because it’s not only hard for me to build momentum, but it’s also difficult for me to slow down once I’ve built it. I’ll use my current regular daily jobs as an example.

As you all know by now, I’m a professional driver. That just means I drive for a living even though my CDL has been revoked because I was unwilling to pay the out-of-pocket money it would take to re-up my yearly medical exam. I am still unwilling. I don’t want to drive a truck for a living, so while the money I spent getting my CDL in the first place was apparently wasted, it means that I’m not paying for something that I’ll never again use. Or at least, I’ll hopefully never get to the point where I consider using it again. It’s a fine line, and it’s a line that I don’t want to walk.

I’ve been making about $2,000 a month with my driving jobs, but that means I’ve had 6-day weeks and have had to risk my life for every dollar I’ve had to beg from people. I’m not technically a beggar, but I’m the next closest thing. I believe that tip-based service jobs are basically the worst for self-esteem, but it also makes me feel good to make people happy. I know, I know…It’s a bit of a conundrum that I don’t understand, so I’ve just been going with it because it’s what I do. I’ve “been making” this amount of money for the past month or so, and that’s what I’m kind of hoping I can expect going forwards. It’s not much, but then, it doesn’t cost me all that much to live. I’m lucky like that, I suppose.

Why do I work 6 days a week if I hate it so much? Because I have to. And because if I stop working at least as hard as I have been, I feel terrible for the next week. That one extra day off that I prefer to take slows me down to the point where I fall apart for a few days after, and that’s a terrible feeling. It’s a feeling I have come to relate with getting and being old. I don’t want my body to fall apart, though, so I have to pace myself. It’s a bit of a vicious cycle, but what isn’t these days, eh?

I get going, and though I don’t want to leave the house, I try to get out at about the same time every day, and that helps. Being on some kind of schedule, even if it’s one I’ve set for myself, helps me feel “normal.” It’s not the same as someone else imposing a rigid timetable on me, but it does help in terms of allowing me to function on a higher level than just lazing about until I feel like leaving the house. I don’t actually recommend that, and I also don’t know how childless housewives can do it all day every day. But, to avoid further digression, I’ll start a new paragraph.

Overworking is basically just the body’s desire to ramp up a current activity if you’ve been building to it for any length of time. It’s the momentum that keeps increasing your amount of movement during that scaling up stage of getting into a new “thing.” You start slow and slowly gain speed until you’re speeding as fast as you can, but that increase of velocity as you were building to the speed you wanted to work to is also part of momentum, and in order to gain and maintain equilibrium, you have to slow down. Not only are you working against momentum at that point, you’re also consciously slowing yourself down, and that, too, builds momentum. You have to watch out for it at all times, and it’s difficult to know when to start ramping back up.

Eventually, if you have extreme self-control and can toggle your motion up and down at the proper intervals, you’ll achieve equilibrium and finally be able to get the proper momentum in a level direction. I think that might be akin to addiction, but we won’t go into that. It’s not the same thing as working too hard. It’s just your body that works too hard to feel good, but again, we’ll go a different direction with this. You start slow and build your velocity to a point, and then you have to slow down a little until you’ve gone past the point you aimed for. Then, you speed up again, but you do it more slowly because it doesn’t take as much effort to get to the slow-down point. You keep going along this cycle for long enough, and you’ll hit the “sweet spot” and be able to run on momentum. But most people push too hard when they’re pushing at all, and that’s where the danger lies. And that’s what I do to myself.

I have this philosophy. If you’re gonna do it, do it up. Don’t half-ass things. Do things with your full ass or not at all. But therein lies the delicious irony because you cannot go whole hog at all times. You’ll fall apart. It might not happen today or even tomorrow, but it WILL happen. You don’t feel it happening until you start to get older and are used to things falling apart, so you have to watch for the signs. And, without the experience to know what it feels like, you’ll never know what to look for. So, you can’t stop yourself from falling apart until you’ve already crumbled and have had to rebuild yourself from the ground up. Are you happy with this? I’m not.

It looks like my 20 minutes are up, but I want to leave you with these thoughts: Don’t work too hard. Don’t work too soft. Just work to the point where you have what you need. Leave the overworking to the younger people. Learn to balance yourself to the point where you can recognize the need to slow down when it arises. That’s basically all I can say on this. You’ll do what you want, but if you ever trust me on anything at all, you should trust me on this. Because I’ve fallen apart and had to rebuild myself several times. It’s better to keep it from happening. And that’s all I have to say about that. For the moment.

Respect

It’s hard to earn. It’s harder to keep. Once it’s lost, it never comes back. What am I talking about? I’m talking about R-E-S-P-E-C-T. It’s big on my hot list, although I’m not really sure what I can say about it that would be profound or more than just an analysis of something we all suffer a lack of.

Growing up, I never felt respected. Always spoken over or ignored or told to remain silent or quiet (“Children should be seen and not heard,” was not a cliché in my life. I heard that all the time.), I experience an extremely deep deficit of emotional respect that I feel and react poorly to. I never feel like I’m respected as much as I should be, and as a result, it’s very hard to earn my respect. Once you have it, though, and once I admit it to you, it’s very hard to lose it. It’s like my friendship. Even if I haven’t spoken to you in years for one reason or another, once I call you friend, I’ll continue to call you a friend long after you no longer believe it.

This fundamental lack of respect I experienced growing up continued through high school. It put a bug in my ear and made me succeed and push hard in college to earn the respect of my professors and peers, and it worked. And I’m good at what I do, if I’m willing to put in the effort. That’s even what I’m doing here. Putting in the effort, I hope, to succeed and win/earn the respect of anyone who’s reading what I’m writing. I managed to win an award for my performance as a student, and I was inducted into the Computer Science Honor Society, so I’m technically a Greek, with the letters Upsilon Pi Epsilon on a medal that I keep in my “stuff” drawer. The award came with $500 and the official induction, and there was ceremony surrounding it. Granted, I was nominated as a sophomore when I was actually a Junior, but in college, those terms don’t really mean all that much. It was basically just a popularity contest that the professors held for the students, and I won in one of the four categories.

After college, I spent a lot of time trying to be close to family. To my chagrin, that was one of my biggest mistakes, and I’m working hard to rectify it, but that’s what I did. Worked hard to put myself close to people who had been disrespecting me for my entire life. At this point, I doubt I’ll ever have their respect, but I’m okay with that. It has nothing to do with me. I’m good at what I do, and I’m able to win the hearts and minds of the people I put in the effort to win over. That’s just what I do. It’s one of the many things I’m good at. It just doesn’t work on them. “Sucking up,” it could be considered, I suppose, but I don’t really think it’s that at all because I’m not doing anything other than treating people the way I want them to treat me. Ignoring them if I don’t think they’re worth my time and paying them attention when I want theirs.

Professionally, I believe that my biggest issues have come when I didn’t feel respected. My first career job was filled with people who I managed to win over time and time again. It was a situation where I shouldn’t have had much success. Conservative and Christian where I’m flamboyant and agnostic, I still managed to make friends and earn the respect of my coworkers. It was surprising and gratifying, and had that company been in a better place, I’d be there still. Of course, it doesn’t matter. That’s so far in my past that I can’t even remember what it was like to be THAT GUY. After I left, everything went downhill. I’ve written extensively on this subject, though, so I’m not going to go into it here. There’s no need. It wouldn’t be respectful to you, the reader.

Since then, I’ve done everything I could to be respected. I seethe when people interrupt me, even though I don’t get angry about it anymore unless the person I’m speaking to should know better. My punchlines and points come at the end of my writing, and that’s the way I speak, too. Just have a little patience, and I’ll take you on a journey through your mind and my own, and whether you love it or hate it, you’ll have learned something.

In the jobs I’ve been working and am currently working, I believe that people respect me. In the way that people respect someone who knows what he’s doing and knows how to convey that knowledge to others. Since I’ve practiced for so long to become a teacher and a leader, it’s easy for me. And since I’ve put myself in so many situations that have put me in contact with so many different types of people, I have a frame of reference for just about everyone I could ever meet. With a few exceptions, of course. There was that one guy in Johnson City, and I don’t think I could get through to him now, either. Awkwardly sitting on a couch, trying to find common ground, and failing with every attempt. But, it’s been a long time since that day, and I’m ultimately a different person, though my roots are still the same.

Blossom. Flourish. These are words that can be used to describe what happens when you’re respected. When people know who you are and want to be like that person. And while I know that no one will ever be able to be like me, I also know that people want to be good at what they do. People want to know everything about what they do if they want to be good. This is only the majority of people, of course, because some people just don’t care, but I’d like to think that I do care. Care way too much about things that I shouldn’t care about at all. Like being respected by strangers. And, while I know it’s silly to let that bother me, it won’t change who I am or how I see myself or what I want out of life. Because what I want is simple: I want people to respect me for who I am. I don’t want them to understand me. I want them to accept me. And that’s all anyone can ever hope for when it comes to respect. And because acceptance is ultimately just as hard to earn as respect, I posit that those are actually the same thing.

Issues

I have issues, man. Not just emotional issues or relationship issues or whatever else might pop into your head when someone says, “I have issues, man.” No. I have issues with my stuff! That’s almost worse than dealing with personal problems because stuff costs money and being crazy is deliciously FREEEEEEEeeeeeeeeee…..!

What am I having trouble with? Well, I’m glad you asked! First off is my computer. It’s the thing I’m typing on right now. It’s running Windows 7 Ultimate, and it’s been dropping the dreaded BSOD on me time and time again for the past few days. Just about every time I leave it to its devices (heh) and go do my thing, it restarts. When the problem window pops up upon reboot, it tells me that the issue was a blue screen. Now, this sucks. It sucks even more BECAUSE IT’S NOT SUPPOSED TO RESTART ITSELF. I’ve told it about three different ways not to do that, but it just won’t listen. I’m blaming it on faulty hardware and a stupid program that I installed at the promptings of THIS WEBHOST. That’s right. The company that is hosting this site decided that I needed a program that would fuck up my system, so I’m just going to stick it out until the end of the month when I can install Windows 10.

Issue number two: Bandwidth. I’m just about out of it. We’ve been watching a lot of Netflix lately, but it hasn’t been much more than normal. Regardless, we’re at about 90% usage for this month’s allotment. Is that because I watched the first four seasons of Dexter in about two weeks? I don’t think so, but someone used the bandwidth, and since I’m used to taking the blame for things whether they’re my fault or not, let’s just say that I did it. I USED ALL THE BANDWIDTH! It doesn’t matter terribly, though it keeps me from updating my computer to a questionable new OS that was just released and is being distributed for free. Alright. Whatever. I’ll make do for the next seven days, and it’ll be fine. I’ll just log back in to my profile and type something in the time it takes for my system to shit itself, then I’ll post it, and I’ll be done with the computer for the day. I don’t have all that much time, anyway, so it’ll work out.

CAR TROUBLES! No, my car didn’t suddenly break again. The brakes are whining every now and then, the rear axles are popping and creaking, but neither of those things are new. Last time I had Mario Speedwagon in the shop, they told me the transmission and head gaskets were going. Do you know how much that costs? I don’t, but suffice to say that I could – and probably will – buy a new pre-owned automobile for less than the price of the repairs, and a new-ish vehicle will have more options. For one, it’ll be cheaper to repair when I inevitably break it. And that will absolutely happen soon given that I drive 300+ miles a week in this stupid city.

Job. Do I have a job? Yes! I technically have FIVE jobs! Maybe more, if I’m misremembering, as seems likely since I’m recently old. One courier, one personal concierge service, and one event crew. Mystery shopper for amusement/theme parks. Writer of web copy. Online transcriber. Blogger. Liar. Probably more that I can’t remember. “That’s more than five,” you say? Well, I DID say liar!

This will be shorter. It’s getting harder and harder for me to complain about things because I don’t like it. It doesn’t fulfill me, and it doesn’t help me. I’ve been trying to put a positive spin on things for the past few months, and it really does help. I’m…more content…slightly…with the way things are working out. I’m not raging against myself as much. I don’t hate myself as much. Things aren’t looking up or down. They’re looking straight ahead, and as long as I don’t think about the fact that I’ll eventually have to pay my taxes and my other debts, I can keep myself at some strange level of equilibrium that doesn’t cripple my forward motion. I haven’t yet hit the point of momentum, as you can probably tell from the fact that I didn’t post anything new for the past few days, but I’ve also been busy. I started another new job on Friday, and I got drunk on Saturday. I’m back, though, and while I’m not better than ever, I’m at least as good as I ever was. Thanks, Toby. Thanks for helping me to keep it real.

My Third Dream

In the way of dreams, this experience began in the middle and ended abruptly. There’s no way to explain this particular fact. It just happens the way it happens. In the way of dreams. And it happens like this every single time.

I awoke into the dream in the cab of a pickup truck with my best friend. I don’t know why she was driving, since I’m the driver, and that’s how I knew this would be a strange one. Completely out of my control. I was the passenger in this experience. In the grips of some controlling force that I had no idea how to break free of…and frankly, no desire to.

I awoke into the dream in the cab of a pickup truck being driven by my best friend. We came upon a scene of disaster! What appeared to be some kind of missile attack or giant monster stampeding through the area. Police cars, tractor trailers, pieces of building, regular cars and station wagons, pickup trucks. They were strewn all about as though some small child having a tantrum had descended upon the area. Digging holes in the ground. Crushing cars. Tearing people apart. We swerved through the mess. She frightened me with how quickly she careened through the wreckage. The pickup truck had no business driving over that police light bar. That pile of dirt and glass. People crying all around. Police out of their cars trying to figure out what had happened, but that wasn’t our concern. I was going to be late for work. I needed a shower, so I needed to get home.

In the way of dreams, we arrived at the diner. There was no transition. We were at the diner, and that was that. The diner outside of a seedy motel. Walking into the diner, I noticed that the patrons were mostly children. Balloons affixed to the bench seats floated above the strangely-silent situation. Children playing and laughing and screaming and yelling and making no sound at all. A newcomer to the party arrived, leading two baby pigs on leashes. I’ve never touched a pig. I wanted to touch a
pig. So I got up and went to one of the pigs. That pig, somehow off its lead, decided to wander outside and climb into the school bus that had brought all the children, but when I followed the pig onto the bus, it had vanished. Not into thin air. There was no air at all. The pig had never been. I turned around perplexed and reentered the diner. But the diner was empty. All the children were gone. The other patrons? All gone. The food on the plates…the plates on the tables…they were all still there. But everyone was gone. Not wanting to take too much time to figure out the situation, I left the diner through the back door. I still had to get to work. I was still going to be late.

Things get a little muddy at this point. In the way of dreams, of course. I walked around to the backside of the motel and was on the second floor. I didn’t climb stairs, and this has nothing to do
with the rest of the dream. I was on the second floor, walking through the door of the motel, and as I straightened my body, I saw the building in front of me. My home. My apartment. What a shit hole.

The plywood door behind me – a short door – was situated inside a tall, white stucco wall. The courtyard ascended a hill. The short plywood door into the building was locked, but it was my home, so I had a key. After the excitement from before, I invited my four friends into my home. I still needed to get ready for work, but they didn’t have anywhere to be, so I had decided to let them stay. I had plenty of room.

We stooped to get through the door. We climbed the stairs. To the right, on the first landing, was a staircase leading down to the bathroom. And another staircase leading from that landing down to the laundry room. ‘When did they put a laundry room in my apartment?’ I recall thinking. But that didn’t matter much. Not at the time. To the left of the landing was a room with a couch. Just a regular room with a regular couch and a regular low ceiling. Nondescript. Unimportant.

The low ceiling continued up the staircase and throughout the rest of the building. At the top of the stairs, the apartment opened out to the right. It seemed that it encompassed the entirety of this huge building. A living room with a kitchenette and a bed in the middle of the floor. A sealed door to the
right. Heading through the living room was a den. Fireplace in the corner. Sofa and chairs. To the right, a door frame with no door leading through into a den. Another couch facing a large round-screened television set from the last century (haha). Animal heads on the walls. Every surface in the entire place maroon or burgundy or rust or blood red. Everything dingy. Like a scene from a medieval castle, but with all the modern conveniences. But I still had to be at work by 9:30, and now,
it was 8:43. I was dirty, and I needed to take a shower.

I made my way to the bathroom, but I missed. I went too far down and ended up in the laundry room. There had never been a laundry room in my apartment before – I don’t know how I could have missed it – but there it was. Plain as the daylight streaming in through the basement windows. Walking back
to the door to the room was difficult, though. The laundry room had flooded, and I was forced to climb along the many sets of pipes along the wall. As I reached the stairs, climbing above the flooded cellar room, the waters rushing below me, I remember wondering how something like this could happen to me. I didn’t even have a laundry room! And I still needed to get to work! I still needed a shower! I’m no action adventurer! I’m just a guy who’s late for work!

Running up to the first landing, I entered the bathroom. My pants were hanging from the shower rod, but things were not good! The floor in this room was flooded, too, and I remember being angry because I would surely have to clean this up. I had always had a bathroom, so this must somehow be my fault!
Water was running down the wall above the toilet flooding the room. Before I could get too entranced by the water, however, I looked out the window and saw a girl, a beautiful girl, entering the courtyard through the tiny door. Entering the locked door to my apartment! I rushed up to meet her in the stairs.

“Quick! They’re after me!” issued from her lips as she saw me. I ran down to the door to lock it. “I prefer that you leave it unlocked,” she said, “I have my reasons.” She didn’t seem to mind as I opened the door, picked the key up from the hole in the lower door frame, and locked the door because I immediately unlocked the door again and dropped the key back into the hole, closing the door over it. I remember wondering where my friends were as she led me through a hole in the wall
at the bottom of the stairs. A car was parked in front of the door, so I guessed that was why she wanted the door to stay unlocked. I looked across the courtyard, and out of the garage came a gaggle of touristy-looking people who looked suspiciously like the cast from the HBO series Girls. But I had no time for this. It was 9:12, and I still needed to get to work, so I went back into my apartment through the hole in the wall, and ran back upstairs to the the bigger room. My friends were still nowhere to be seen.

There came a knocking on my door, and I walked back downstairs. Opened the door to let in a beautiful young lady. Petite. She climbed the stairs to between the landing and the top of the stairs and opened the wall into a clean section of the apartment that I’d never seen. When I questioned her about this, she told me she was checking on her grandmother. But I never got a chance to check for myself.

She must have been pleased by her discovery because her mouth attached to mine as she leapt into my arms from the passage. Our limbs intertwined, I carried her down to the landing to the room with the low ceiling and the nearest surface, but a friend was sleeping on the couch. Setting her down and grabbing her hand, I pulled her up the stairs behind me, but another two friends were sleeping on the bed, and another one was on the other couch! Frustrated, we laid down on the floor. Her mouth frantically kissing mine as I stripped her of her clothing. Work could wait.

BANG!

I jumped at the sound of the door being kicked open, and the girl was gone. My friends, awakened by the commotion, had already left. I remembered their passage, but at the time, I hadn’t cared. Now, with the girl gone and a new intruder in my home, I wished desperately for their presence.

I reached the top of the stairs in time to meet a furious teenager. Short and stout in a set of gray coveralls, he was screaming and raging about how this had been his home, and he needed to get his things. He had little interest in me, except that I was the audience to his raging.

Stalking through the apartment, he entered the sealed door in the living room wall, and it occurred to me that it must have been his room when this was his home. His behavior was odd, though. He had no interest in trinkets or valuables alike. He was gathering up every likeness of a certain kind of animal – an animal that looked suspiciously porcine – from every room in the place and putting them into a standard white kidnapping-style sack. I was too amazed to ask questions. His jumpsuit was
imprinted with the name of a mental institution, and I’ve learned through hard experience that you never ask a crazy kid questions when he decides to steal all of the pigs from your dream. The clock read 9:34, so I was officially late for work. And, as the child slowed his movements and calmed down, I heard a vibrating from the floor beside the bed. My 8am alarm ringing. My dream was done, and I was awake.

Unlike most dreams, this one ended as I awoke. My mind blasted, I wandered around my home trying to remember what I had just experienced. And, as I looked at the table, I heard an oinking sound, and the dream came flooding back into my memory.

They had stolen all of my pigs.

Reflection 2

As I sit here in this chair, I am 34 years old. Yesterday was my birthday, and I hate my birthday. It’s that one day a year where the fact of my reality – the fact that I’m in my mid-30s with nothing to show for my life except a broken body, a beat up car, a few pieces of furniture, some cute t-shirts, a few bags, a bunch of hats, and a whole lot of debt – comes crashing down atop my head, leaving me depressed and tired for the three weeks prior. Actually, I have a little more than what I listed, and I don’t want you to think I have nothing, but as far as the things I do have… Well, I’m sitting squarely in the negative category. At least I have a lot of stories I can tell.

My car was pretty good to me. For awhile. Then, I started using it as a delivery vehicle in the city of Atlanta, and that was one of the worst things I could do for my it. The streets and the hours have eaten that vehicle alive, and the result is about eight thousand dollars worth of repair debt. It costs me about $100 a week in fuel, and I can feel it breaking again. And that’s just the positive spin. Before my next repair, I’ll get off cheaper buying a new car than trying to maintain mine. The lesson is this: Get rid of your Subaru before it has 100,000 miles on it, and you’re golden. Get a new one. Get a used one. Just don’t go above a hundred grand. You’ve been warned.

My body got beat up the old-fashioned way. I’ve used it too hard. Way too hard. Going from a desk job to physical labor for the past few years has really taken its toll. I strained, sprained, and bruised all the muscles in my right arm from wrist to shoulder when I was just a year out of college, and it’s never properly healed. I’m right-handed, you see, so I use my right arm for just about everything. Except that now, after over a decade of compensating for that weakness, the left arm is going bad, too. My eyes have been bad since I was in the 3rd grade, my sinuses are narrow, and my taste buds just don’t work the way they should, so flavors have to be stronger in order for me to properly experience them. Adding to that, I’ve had a headache for my entire life. All that equals a broken wreck of a body with an innocent, young-looking face.

I own a computer desk that was once used as a kitchen table in my parents’ house in Rome, GA. I have an old coat tree that was in the garage for a decade or more. I have a bedside table that is missing all the rest of its partners. I have a filing cabinet that I salvaged from the failed “Jason Carter for Governor” campaign. I have a pilfered office chair. And, I have a microwave stand that my grandfather built that I use to hold my pocket supplies. My t-shirts are cutesy because I apparently look kind of like a hipster. I have a lot of hats because I like hats. I have a lot of bags because I’m constantly dreaming of escape. Gotta have bags if you wanna stuff your life inside and run away from everything you know!

My debt, again, came from my poor, broken car and a college education that got me nothing because I went to a school no one has heard of. To have this much debt with very little in the way of prospects is one thing that I don’t like. It’s not like I bought all kinds of things on credit and so at least I have something to show for it. NO! I don’t buy gadgets or toys. I buy food and pay bills. That’s all I do with money. It’s almost always been that way, but it’s only been recently that it’s not been my choice to live a frugal life.

All I really have to show for my time on this planet is a brain full of experiences. Good experiences and bad experiences alike. They all lead to stories, but my stories were terrifying to live and are terrifying to recount. That’s why I do it so often. There’s nothing less painful than getting used to the pain of living, and that’s what I do. I spend my time telling my stories to inure myself to the pains of making them. Lather, rinse, repeat. Repeat is still my favorite step.

I hope you don’t feel sorry for me. With a few exceptions, everything I’ve done, I’ve done to myself. I’ve gotten myself into the messes I’m in, and I’ve been stalled on the “way out” of this hole I’ve been dwelling in since just after college and again after the market crashed in 2008. There are so many options open to me and so many doors to knock on, but everything has a wall. Some walls are no more than knee high, but they’re still walls. And some walls are completely insurmountable. No way over them. No way around them. No way through them. No way that doesn’t require a lot of money I don’t have and a lot of time I have to spend making what little amount of money I actually do manage to make in a day or a week or this lifetime. None of it’s mine. All the money I earn is either owed to creditors or the government.

Things aren’t as bad as I make them sound and are far worse than I’m willing to admit. I don’t understand how people can just get up and go one day without a care in the world, but I guess they haven’t lived in a mess of their own making for close to a decade. They haven’t seen the human wreckage they’ve left behind. And they don’t have all the stories floating around in their heads when it’s time to make a move. Stories that point out all the reasons why it’s easy to fail. Stories that live as a constant reminder of failure. Everyone has a story. And this one is mine.

Best Job Description, Ever

Someone once asked me how to describe what I do for a living, and it took me about 45 minutes of stop-and-go driving while tapping away at my phone with my thumbs at stop lights and signed intersections to come up with what I consider to be the perfect description of what I do for a living. Granted, this doesn’t entirely explain it because there are parts that no longer apply, and I have decided not to edit those bits outs, but that’s okay. The spirit of the piece remains true to form and true to my life.

I spend most of my nights driving around the city building a complex, multi-dimensional traffic matrix based on the time of day, day of the week, time of year, and weather patterns, et cetera. Studying a map to learn shortcuts from one random part of town to potentially any other random part of town and devising shorter cuts to use on the fly when the need arises. Figuring out the best lanes to occupy on any of the major thoroughfares I traverse. Employing careful vigilance to ensure the correctness of the customers’ orders. Building short scripts replete with pithy one-liners and cleverly bad puns based on said orders and, if I’ve been there before, key bits of information that I’ve remembered from previous encounters. Scripts designed to elicit a positive response, or in cases of mishap, to mollify the customer should anger be their typical response to disappointment. In either case, delivering the message in thirty seconds or less. All the while making use of an astonishing 28ms response time and intense, split-second geometrical approximations to avoid brutally slaughtering pedestrians, bicyclists, and motorists who seemingly insist on sticking me with vehicular homicide charges on a near-daily basis. And here recently, figuring out how to explain all this to new people. But that’s just Wednesday thru Friday and Sunday and Monday in the evenings. On Monday mornings, I deliver farm fresh, previously-portioned meals to semi-wealthy consumers. In short, I’m a delivery driver, and I have a lot of time to think.

Thank you for paying attention, yet again, to my older ramblings. I’ll have new material for you on the morrow. Until then, please feel free to enjoy the images that have been brought into your mind by my words, and please, don’t pee your pants in fear. Thanks, and Gods bless.

Gauntlets

Writing gauntlets. I’m wearing them right this second as I type this post, and I want to tell you all about them.

I have poor circulation in both of my wrists. This comes from being so tall and having such a long reach and a narrow bone structure. I’m what Science calls an endomorph, so my frame is slight even though I’m a giant. I made the gauntlets with the thought of diabetic shoes in mind. Or diabetic gloves.

I took some old socks and cut away a space for my fingers and a hole for my thumb. The elastic ridges help keep my wrists tight, and that, in turn, helps the blood flow through my wrists and up into my fingers in order to keep them alive and working long after I know I should stop. The short version is, writing is painful for me. It’s by no means my favorite activity, though I am pretty good at it. It’s more that it’s a compulsion. And, I’d rather type words on a computer for everyone to see than type them on my phone for just one or two people. So, I made these gauntlets to allow me to continue doing just that. Sharing with you is my top priority after making the money I need to make on a daily basis just to survive.

They look silly, sure, but I’ve never been afraid of looking strange or odd. They’re tools. Just like this bun I have on top of my head is a tool to allow me to sleep better. Anything you can use to make your life easier, you should use. The lord knows that life is hard enough as it is.

I first noticed that I needed something for my wrists when I was in college. I would work long into the night, and my computer was situated next to my back door. My back door was made entirely of glass, and the curtain I had set up didn’t bother to block out all the cold, that jerk. I went to college in the mountains of East Tennessee, so it was important to stay warm. Especially in February.

I would work long into the night, and my fingers would go numb. I’m not diabetic, but I do have poor circulation. It’s just one of the many pains of being me and living inside my broken and breaking body, I suppose. My fingers would go numb, but I would keep working. “Pedal through the pain,” has been my motto for a long time, and this was no different.

I ran into a similar situation a few years ago when I started writing again in earnest. I didn’t post anything online because I didn’t have a space for it, but I still wrote. Or rather, I was too busy posting my writing as tweets because I was trying to train myself to be more concise. And, the feedback and demi-friendships I formed were pretty nice and quite entertaining. I would sit in a cold room, and I would type for hours. Eventually, my fingers would get numb, and then the numbness would stretch up through my arms and into my shoulders. I would shower, and that would help, but it only helped for a while until I could get back to the keyboard. I needed something – some tool – and I had a bag of old socks that my brother gave me that I have never worn or used for anything else, and the rest, as they say, is history. I’ve been using them ever since.

I’m wearing these writing gauntlets right now because yesterday’s effort took too long and hurt my wrists. I don’t want to hurt myself any more than I absolutely need to, and so I pulled the socks over my hands when I sat down just a few minutes ago to do my thing. And, I can already tell a difference. I’m typing faster, and my fingers are warm, and that’s all I need. Warm fingers. It helps keep my mind fluid. It’s almost as though my thought process is directly connected to my fingers, and that means I have roughly ten brains working at once as I type out these words. If that sounds strange to you, then you must be new to my world. We’re all mad here, but I’m the king. And all of the citizens. You’re just a visitor.

When you think about making your life easier, first think small. There are all types of things you can do to make your everyday tasks more comfortable. Again, life is difficult. Things that you love can and will hurt you. Your compulsions will destroy you. So, why make it easier for them? Make it easier for yourself. It’s not about making money. It’s about making peace inside the tempestuous storm that roils inside your mind. And while I’m using the second person a lot, I am of course talking about myself. Because I’m just as much a part of my audience as you are. With 20 minutes available to write, I don’t know what I’m going to say any more than I know how you’re going to take it if you read all the way to the end.

Now, for the conclusion. Don’t sweat the small stuff. If you look silly wearing socks on your hands, but you need them to write, don’t worry about looking silly because it’s better to have hands than to go without them or to damage them beyond repair. You’ll thank yourself later. Maybe even five minutes later. And, who knows? You might just be sitting in public wearing socks on your hands as you type a blog post into the ether without any idea whether anyone will read it or not, and someone might come up to ask you about the strange attire you have clothing your wrists. And then you’ll get a chance to share. Because that’s what this is all about. Sharing. And, if that person just so happens to be a girl who isn’t scared away by your eccentric behavior, then maybe, just maybe, you’ve made a new special friend. And that’s the point. That’s the point of the writing. And writing is the point of the gauntlets. And whether or not any of this makes sense, you still need to take care of your wrists.

Note: I managed 1,065 words in less than 20 minutes thanks to these socks and the stream of nonsense drivel pouring out from my fingers. Let that be an object lesson to you. You can do anything you want with the help of socks.

An Interview

Chris was walking down the hall of the office building. Another bad appointment. “I’ll never get a job this way,” he thought with a slump to his shoulders and a slow step. He approached the elevator like a thirsty man to a desert oasis.

Waiting, he thought of all the different jobs he’d tried to get over the past few weeks. Interviews for positions from Inside Sales Rep to Transportation Dispatcher. From Taxi Driver to Librarian. He had been certain that a library would be a good fit. He was a writer, after all. Books were his thing.

Reflecting on his past decisions, he was thinking that perhaps going to school for English literature hadn’t been the best decision. “Going back to school, I should say. Maybe I’ll just go further into debt and figure something else out. I hear accountants earn a decent living.”

The elevator dinged, and the doors opened in front of him. Empty. Just like his bank account. He was down to his last few hundred dollars. His last few weeks in his apartment. He needed this job to work out, but he didn’t think he was cut out to be a male Receptionist. It didn’t have the same ring to it as Published Author. He’d been writing his book for years without any noticeable progress, though, so maybe that wasn’t his best option after all.

Stepping onto the empty lift, he turned around just in time to see the short, dirty, bearded old man running towards him. “Wait! Hold the elevator!” the man cried as the doors slid shut. He heard a banging on the other side of the door and knew he’d made it just in time. Charity was for the weak, after all. He’d never asked for a handout. Why should he share this small space with a man who clearly hadn’t showered in days.

Riding the slow elevator down from the fourteenth floor of this office tower, he thought some more about his available options. He had a cousin in Texas who might be able to get him a job in construction. He hadn’t managed to work for the government, regardless who he knew. He wasn’t even sure he’d enjoy that kind of work. Dealing with the public face-to-face, day in and day out for the rest of his life didn’t sound like the kind of fulfilling future he’d signed up for when he got his first undergrad degree in political science. “Maybe I could be a private detective? I wonder what it takes to get licensed in this state?” His thoughts had definitely taken a negative turn lately. He didn’t know what he was going to do, but he knew he’d have to swallow his pride and contact his cousin soon. He just didn’t like the idea of spending every day out of doors in the Texas heat. He didn’t know how his cousin could do it, either.

Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. The floors slowly passed. Almost too slowly. “How can an elevator go so slow?” he thought, bewildered. “It didn’t take this long on the way up. Maybe if the cable broke, things would be better off.” What had that dirty old man been doing on the fourteenth floor of a building like this, anyway?

Ding. Finally. He’d made it to the ground floor. Alive. Safe and sound. As the doors slid open, his breath caught in his throat. The old man, smelling just as bad as he’d imagined, was standing in front of the entrance. Not breathing hard. This was the only working elevator at this time of day, so it struck Chris as odd and somewhat alarming that this derelict wreck of a person in front of him could have run down fourteen stories without getting winded.

The old man, a malicious grin spreading his cracked lips wide, cheeks rosy with a sudden evil glee, said in a surprisingly deep voice, “You shouldn’ta oughta done that, you know that as well as I.”

“Shit,” Chris thought. Or did he say it out loud? The old man seemed to have heard him because he grin stretched wider still.

“Shit, is right, my good sir,” he heard the old man say in a merry voice. How could this dirty old guy sound so happy? “You just stepped in it when you didn’t help me out up there, but that’s okay. I’ll let you make it up to me.”

And this was how Chris met God. And God, it turned out, was determined to be a son of a bitch.