I’ve been working nearly non-stop for so long at this point that it’s destroyed my body and constitution. So much so that the oncoming spring has ushered in some illness that I can’t seem to kick. Is it the flu with flu-like symptoms? Or is it something that feels like the flu but isn’t? I’m sweating in cold rooms, all of my bones and joints ache like they’re going to crack, my muscles feel individually too tight but too loosely attached to the rest of my body, my head throbs, and I’m hacking up phlegm. Which are all very extreme examples of nicotine withdrawal, as well.
That’s right. I’ve finally stopped smoking again. It’s been just under a year since I started up again, but I’ve been paring down since I got my new car – refusing to smoke inside – and smoked my last cigarette this past Monday. I’m still incredibly bored, but this is probably one of the better decisions I’ve made lately. Once I can smell myself again, I’ll no longer reek of stale tar. Maybe the stains that have already begun to form on my fingers will go away, and once the withdrawal ends – I was smoking heavily, so it might take awhile – I’ll probably be healthier overall. Which is all well and good, but I’m just tired of hurting all the time. I work so hard, though, and the pain I’m in- I can’t let it stop me.
Recently, I told the boss at the event company that I’d be willing to drive the truck for events. That translated into running shows, even though I said I wasn’t comfortable doing that part. My first show-running experience was with another veteran crew leader and a team I could trust, so the experience wasn’t bad, though I didn’t find out I was in charge until after the breakdown had already begun. That was a bit…nerve-wracking, to say the least. My second solo show took all day. I picked up the truck from the rental office, I told people what to do, I stayed and guarded the ball pit from drunks – somewhat successfully provided that I was mostly sober and they were bigger than me – I directed the breakdown, I drove back to the warehouse, and I dropped the truck back off at the rental place. All told, it was 16 hours of work with only a short break.
A week later, and I did it again. With this added responsibility came a $2 per hour pay increase, so this work earns me $20 an hour rather than the previous $18. Not too shabby…except for when you’re so sick that you shouldn’t be around people and have to stay awake and drive for hours and lift heavy things and think and drink and pay for things. Which is an example of what’s on my plate for today. I’m not running the show or driving their truck, but I still have to be away from home from…just a few minutes from now until probably after 3am.
Luckily, I’ve managed to come as close as possible to overdosing on several different OTC meds without actually crossing that line, so the pain has been slightly muted. Still more intense than yesterday, but you do what you have to do. And I’m one of the boss’s official go-to guys for everything now, so I don’t want that to change. I can finally officially add this job to my resume as more than just being a semi-intelligent mule.
Since it’s about time for me to wash this stale sweat off my body and get a move on, I’ll cut this narrative short, but I just wanted to say a few things since I’ve been silent for so long. Please feel free to hold me accountable if I start smoking again. I don’t feel any cravings, but I get so bored, and one smoke passes about 10 minutes. Makes it disappear off the front- and back-ends of my life, and while that’s not a bad thing, it does limit my options moving down the road.
Please wish me luck juggling these two jobs that I seem to be excelling in. Even though the crew leader position is rough going, I’m getting the hang of it and am figuring ways to make it better. Next, I need to work on my speed. With my courier job, I’ve adjusted the way I work so that I am able to come home during the afternoon and take a few hours to myself while still having the ability to work, so I’m not feeling so bored and alone. It’s a better feeling, though it’s mostly in response to my current illness. And please wish me luck getting over said illness because I have no idea what caused it or how long it will last, but it really hurts, and I want it to be done.