This is what I do when I’m waiting. “Waiting on what?” you might wonder, so I’ll tell you. I’m waiting on money. Money that should come to me. Waiting on money to pay my bills, to allow me to do some recreational activities, and money to make me not so worried about what the future might hold. I’m a delivery driver, as some of you might know, but I work freelance and get paid by the order, so I have to wait for the orders to come in. As some of you might also know, I hate waiting, but it’s a necessary evil when it applies to my work. In the meantime, my goal is to write.
Sure, I’ve set this goal before, but until just a few days ago, I haven’t really had the inclination to actually sit down and do it. I’ve been working really hard, and I’ve been working some really long hours. At least 10 to 12 hours a day since some time in September.Some time in September was the moment that I realized how hard I needed to work to be able to make the money I need to survive, pay my bills, and do more than just fret about the future. There’s plenty of fretting, and there’s plenty of uncertainty, but that’s the way of life in this business. Or any business, really. I work for myself, so I have to make my self work for me. For someone who has always had trouble motivating himself to do more than just the bare minimum to get by, this was an important realization.
Truly realizing that I needed to work so much allowed me to shift my work ethic and get up in the morning. I helped me see that working hard for such long hours just about every day was what it would take to be more than just a sluggish blue collar worker. Yes, that’s how I make my living, but that’s not all that I am. The downfall to working virtually all the time was that I didn’t get, and haven’t had, the chance that I need to write. That’s been a huge impediment to moving forward. Writing, as you know, is one of my passions, and I have precious few of those. I determined what it would take to get back into it, and that realization and actualization is what has allowed me to finally get back into the “swing of things.”
A couple of things went wrong at exactly the same time. I started my website, and while that was good, it led to one terribly bad decision. I got an offer from a cloud-based backup service that destroyed my installation of Windows. It was pretty bad. The already faulty box upon which I was placing my ability to leak my madness into the ether was compromised by this attempt to secure it, and that damaged my installation of Windows to the point where I had to upgrade to Windows 10, against my better judgment. That poor judgment proved to be disastrous in that it made my desktop virtually unusable. Add to that the fact that both of my monitors are over 9 years old, and you see the beginnings of the crisis I was facing.
Windows 10 would not support my video card. To be more specific, the company supplying the drivers for my video card decided that they didn’t want to support the operating system that I had thrust upon me by the virus that damaged my installation beyond traditional repair. Starting over wasn’t really an option, so moving forward would have to do. When those forward steps take you backwards, you have to make certain alterations to your plans to get moving again. Momentum is key, and mine had been roughly destroyed.
Months have passed since that day. I could no longer satisfactorily use my oh writing tool. I managed to write a couple more essays on my roommate’s computer, but that was it. The time I spent working was taking its toll on me. I couldn’t work so many hours and then arrive home to sit down and write because I didn’t have it in me. That’s not the way I work. I need to be either relatively fresh or kind of bored, and I was neither. So for months, I’d been without a proper outlet. I tweeted some, but that’s not the same. It leaks out the thoughts, but it doesn’t lend enough eloquence to actually say what I want to say. What I need to say. I could have used my phone, but I damaged my right hand a long time ago. Prolonged typing with just my thumbs causes more damage, still. It was also not a solution to my problem, though my will is strong.
I decided that I needed something else. After happening upon the newest set of Apple releases, I decided that I wanted an iPad Pro. It would suit my needs ideally once I could acquire the keyboard that goes along with it, and that finally arrived in the mail on Friday. So, here I sit. In my car, no longer at Starbucks, and I write. I write because I need to, and I’m writing now because I can. I finally have the proper tool. I could have bought a laptop or taken my old netbook out, dusted it off, and used it, but it’s an old and slow machine. The keyboard is too small, and it doesn’t serve the proper purpose. It doesn’t fulfill the need I have.
Pretty soon, I’ll tell you all about the actually “hardships” I’ve faced, but for now, I’ll just let you know that I’m finally back. Finally able to write again. Finally able to focus inward in the time I have available to me away from home. Finally able to write enough to make my thoughts shine in a way that I can see as appropriate.
I hope you enjoy what I have to offer and continue to appreciate it as long as I’m able to provide it. Eventually, I’ll even write something worthy of my skill. Today, however, is not that day. This is just practice. You can’t call me Stella yet. I am only just beggining to get my groove back.