My life is one constant series of waits. Always waiting for the next thing. Occasionally taking proactive steps towards getting more of what I need, but never doing too much or politicking too hard in case it gets taken away from me again. It happens so often that I expect it. Makes staying optimistic and positive difficult, and I can’t really say I’ve been any good at maintaining a good outlook on things.
Had a discussion with my roommate the other day, talking about how it’s easy to see the best in people if no one has ever been out to get you and actually succeeded. It’s happened to me a few times. I was fired from my last job because I managed to piss off a girl who somehow had enough influence with others to get me canned. I worked for an abusive man who used me as a pawn in his game to hurt his wife. I had an abusive girlfriend. And my brother’s wife hates me and tried to starve me once. That last one is a fun little story that I think I’ll keep to myself for a while longer, but know that it happened.When people set out to do you harm, and they succeed in hurting you, it makes trusting anyone a difficult prospect. You’re constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. You’re constantly expecting to be whipped to the ground and kicked once you hit it. You don’t know where the next blow will be coming from, so you expect it from everywhere at once, and it gets exhausting and stays painful. Stress levels run high, and the constant mistrust eats away at your faith in your own self. It’s even worse when you’re forced to trust people in order to properly survive, and it makes things very difficult when you’re trying to put yourself out there and find a job or a relationship or even just a good friend. Everyone becomes an acquaintance, and though you want to love, you separate yourself from as many connections as you can, and that causes even more damage to the psyche in the long run.
If, like me, you’re forced to trust someone when you’re in that headspace, you only trust them as far as you absolutely need to and always expect them to betray you. They’re out for themselves, and they’re out to get you, and they’re completely willing to hurt you on purpose to achieve their nefarious ends. Trust is the devil. Trusting is Hell. Opening up is nigh impossible, and the walls grow higher and thicker, and the masks cover not only your face but also the rest of you. You shine like a beacon of mediocrity, and you hide in the shadows of anonymity.
Being anonymous has never properly worked out for me. I’m too loud or outspoken, or I’m quiet and always watching. I leave human wreckage in my wake. I try not to hurt people, and I try so hard to connect, but it rarely happens that I can open up the doors to myself wide enough to let in more than a beam of light and a peeking face. It gets to the point where all the wondrous beauty of life gets muted, and all you can see is the darkness. All you can see are the walls in front of your eyes. You look in the mirror, and all you can see is the mask on your face. If I do manage to connect to someone, I end up hurting them eventually. They hurt me first, or they indicate that they might, and I run. I run away and throw anything and everything in their path in an attempt at dissuading them from following after. Some people do, but their motives can’t be altruistic, can they? That’s not the way life works. People only hold onto you because they need you for something, and for me, that purpose is pain. Right? Isn’t that the way all this works?
I have no clever ending for this waiting session. I have no proper conclusion to this topic, and I don’t know what it will take to break through these blocks of distrust that isolate me from the people close to me. That keep me from allowing myself to get close to others. To invite new people into my life at more than a superficial level. I’m constantly waiting for the other shoe. A shoe with golf cleats that bite into my skin as it’s swung at my face. Constantly waiting. Waiting again.